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The most awful experience I have ever had while playing Dark Souls. Needed to share.
First of all, this short tale is not meant to offend or gross-out anyone. It is simply something that I must share with a community that may understand this unfortunate occurrence, and I encourage you to take the time to read it thoroughly. Here we go... Having played Demon's Souls and invaded hundreds upon hundreds of players, I understand perfectly the bloodlust that black phantoms are stricken with. Most players that choose to build their character with the sole purpose of invading hapless adventurers do so determinedly, and if you're simply playing on a "first run-through character" you'll understand that defeating an unbalanced invader is tough work. Your character is simply not built to fight off a rape-damage destruction engine. That being said, I had just finished killing Smough and Ornstein for the first time. Probably the toughest damn boss battle I've had in the game so far, and it left me thinking "Shit. I freaking love this game. It's beautiful in so many ways." Now, Anor Londo is a big area. There's a lot of work required to get to those bosses. It's worth mentioning that throughout my escapades in Anor Londo, I had been drinking a large amount of Diet Crush orange soda, and my controller was low on battery so it was currently plugged into my PS3 with its cord. I had traveled back to the big parish place in order to pick up some items I had missed without the annoyance of the enemies, and I still did not know my way around this level. At all. I was completely lost, and all I wanted to do now was get back to the fire keeper lady and rest at the nice little bonfire. All this time, the pressure in my bladder was building. My usual level of intelligence was reduced quite a bit because of the "holy shit, I really have to pee" feeling. I did not think to simply exit the game. But why not just go to the bathroom? Because I was worried about invaders. I wasn't sure if I could be invaded or not after defeating the boss, but after traveling around a bit I was back in the castle somewhere. Now I REALLY had to go. I thought "I'll be quick." But before jumping up from my bed (which I play my PS3 from) I saw it. He had come for me. The red text on my screen almost scared the piss out of me right there. What scared me even more was that the name of the invader was obviously a Japanese name, and I know from experience that these fuckers mean business when it comes to invading. I never have had to pee more in my entire life. What makes this more interesting was that I was carrying a plethora of souls - the largest amount of souls I've ever carried at one time in the game. Not knowing where the hell to run to, I ran sporadically throughout the castle until I got back to the big bridge. With the invader nowhere to be seen, I realized what I had to do. My options were slim. If I was to visit the bathroom at the other end of my hallway, too much time would be required. I came up with a solution. A solution that would allow me to remain next to my controller and TV. I grabbed the large empty cup that I had been drinking my Crush from. Standing up and unzipping my fly, I let loose into the cup. Sweet relief. Sweet, soul-sucking relief. I peed for what felt like hours, all the while keeping my eyes locked on the screen. Once finished, I placed the cup back on the shelf where my PS3 was. This shelf is positioned above the headboard of my bed, and I often use it to store drinks and keys and electronics. Keep reading. When I was done, I zipped back up just in time to take a Zweihander to my spine. "What the fuck? Who invades with a Zweihander?!" (No offense to you Zweihander buffs out there; it's a fun weapon.) I was lucky to have survived that hit, though. I snatched up my controller and rolled the hell out of there, then sprinted further down the bridge to the big stone revolving thingy. I recovered my health and turned to see this heavily armored tank-ish guy *walking* towards me. The nerve. He must be confident. What ensued was actually a rather balanced battle. Both of us took hits, both recovered, took more hits, recovered again. There were split-second blocks, outrageous dodges onto lower levels of the bridge thing. Come to think of it, this was probably the most engrossing battle I had ever been in. Being the only one present in my house at the time, I got rather involved in this fight. "Come on, you FUCK!" COME AT ME BRO!" I found myself shouting at the TV. I wish there had been music. This was fucking Smough and Ornstein round two. But that's where the fun ends. Japanese Tank Rapist took an unexpected roll swing at me, and I jerked my controller in a spastic attempt to avoid it. I know that does nothing, but I was so into this fight that I felt I was fighting for my actual life. But I forgot something. It had been ten full minutes since I emptied my torrent of liquid waste. The cord of my charging controller.. the shelf... I realized it was too late. In that quarter of a second before it fell, I looked up. I saw this quarter gallon pee cup tilt over and fall. My life was in slow motion. My head. My face. My arms and my back. The controller in my hands. My pillows. My sheets. My bedspread and my mattress. It was all covered. I let out a long sigh of disgust. It felt like an insane episode of Man vs Wild, in which Bear Grylls decides he needs to *bathe* in his own piss in order to stay alive. Dripping with urine, I realized that someone else's life was at stake. Bubbles. My character. Zwei-fucker had not given up. What else was there to lose? I was covered in piss and all that remained now was the mountain of souls I had. There were at least six or seven levels to be gained. Summoning every last ounce of skill I had learned from From Software's diabolically beautiful masterpieces, I disregarded most aspects of defense and unleashed a torrent of dodges and quick strikes on my Japanese foe. In an attempt to shorten this: I won. Maybe he did not expect me to go on the offensive, but I won. Satisfied with my hard-fought victory, I retreated across the bridge until I found the bonfire again. I rested at it. Then, I rested myself. I flopped backwards onto my pillow. I was soaked. I did not care. I had beaten Dark Souls' reincarnation of Kratos himself. Turning off my PlayStation and standing up on the floor, I smiled to myself. At that moment, I heard the familiar call of "We're home, daddy!" Needless to say, my wife was upset that I had covered our bed in my urine, and my son wanted an explanation as to why I was dipping with pee. All in all, I learned a lesson. It's not about how bad you have to pee; you can always change the sheets (and steam clean the mattress...) But what really matters is believing in yourself. Perseverance. Dedication. We must never forget what we're fighting for. Never give up. And lastly, have your priorities. For me, apparently, this means killing another person in a video game at the expense of bathing in pee. Your move, Bear. **tl;dr** A cup full of my own pee fell on me, drenching me and my bed while I killed an invader. more