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Pity rant (continued in my comments).
I hate who I am and where I am in my life. I just turned twenty-three and didn't feel a thing. I can't keep anything straight in my head long enough to facilitate both my life story and the grammar that goes along with explaining it in story form, so I've decided to just list things that happened to me in chronological order. For reference, most things are framed around the school year, my birthday is November 2nd, and I am the eldest child. **Age 3** - Spent most of my daycare time off in a corner looking at my hands, or generally behaving autistically. **Age 4** - Fell off a low balcony and landed directly, 180 degrees on my head; I went to the hospital for concussion and I don't remember anything from my stay beyond flashes of plastic curtains and confusion. - Failed to make friends or feel included in kindergarten. **Age 6 / Grade 1** - Got locked in my school's pool changing room after the after-school swimming lessons, presumably because everyone forgot I was there. My mom had to somehow get the attention of the janitor so that I could be let out. - Moved from Toronto to London, and completely failed to make new friends. Felt looming emptiness over the move and the loss of what little social fabric I had. **Grade 2** - Still no friends. I spend all my time watching TV, playing Lego, and reading books like The Hobbit or geo-evolutionary world history. - It becomes deeply apparent to my dad that I'm not going to be carrying on his legacy of sports success and social butterflyism. He stops caring and diverts his attention to my two younger brothers and youngest sister. **Grade 3** - Watched my favourite cat (of two) get run over by a Ferrari that never stopped, the day before Easter (Note: I'm not religious). I cried for a week. **Grade 4** - Finally come across my first friend. We'd play The Incredible Machine and Mario Kart sometimes. I still don't "feel" much when I'm with him. - During our school's monthly pizza lunch, my name is accidentally skipped over. I immediately explode in anger - I packed up all my things, grabbed my coat (it was the middle of January) and walked home to flip out in private and cry with my remaining cat. **Grade 5** - My first legitimate public breakdown; I had to do some stupid one-minute presentation in front of the class, and I ended up running out of the room crying. I went home that day. **Grade 6** - My school performance begins to slip. I almost fail Math on my first report card, despite being far-and-away the smartest kid in my class. - I become the second-smartest kid in the class when a new kid shows up and becomes my new best friend. He and another common friend of ours go biking all the time and play videogames and micro machines and whatnot. - I get an N64 for Christmas and begin my spiral into videogame obsession. I also get my first tastes of Starcraft, Doom, Quake, Half-Life, and Counter-Strike during this year, making one other friend in the process. **Grade 7** - Sex ed; we're shown an overhead of the vagina, which I have never seen or even though much of before, and I pop an insta-boner. This is the only thing that assures me I'm not gay (not that I have a problem with other people being gay). - The less-hyperintelligent of my two friends moves away. I never get to speak to him again. - My best-friend and I sort of drift along without really developing as people. Our friendship remains cold and comfortable. **Grade 8** - Best friend and I kind of drift apart and stop hanging out for no good reason. We haven't talked at all since. - I make several more-outgoing friends who play a lot of videogames. I always feel like I'm tagging along and not entirely accepted into the group, though. - I join the youth group of one of my friends, in an effort to "put myself out there" socially. I latch onto disparate religious ideas and hang onto them as if they're the reason why I have any social success at all. **Grade 9** - I completely fail to make new friends. - 9/11 happens. I stop going to the youth group and declare myself an atheist. - I almost fail English with a 51. **Grade 10** - I begin drifting away from my elementary school friends. - I join the Tech Crew and make a few somewhat-strenuous friends. - I almost fail English again. I just can't care about it. **Grade 11** - Drift away from my elementary school friends. Except for one of them, we never really talk again. - Make a few new friends in grades 9 and 10 out of Tech Crew roster additions. **Grade 12** - Fucked up my final year of highschool. I almost failed English, Physics, Calc, and Discrete Mathematics, didn't do any homework, didn't get into University. I went back for a fifth year. - Over the summer I get my first job at a grocery store. **Grade 13 / "Victory Lap"** - Starts out great. For example, I got 98 and 95 on my first two calc tests despite not studying, though I did do all the homework this time around. - My dad is diagnosed with terminal cancer, the day before my 18th birthday. - Accidentally (no, really) tried out for my school's Sears Drama Fest play and got the lead role. Went on to win best lead in the local competition level. Felt nothing. - Start making a mockumentary for the school's regular drama fest with my remaining elementary school friend. Once production ceases and the film is shown, we stop hanging out. - Lost my virginity the day my dad died (Saturday June 6 2006) - probably in spite, as he died before I left my house for the party in question. I made this choice and I think it was a bad one. Nobody at the party was aware. - I don't do my final exams, one teacher decides to give me a zero for the exam, I simply don't give a shit. - Despite higher marks, obvious performance abilities, extenuating circumstances, and more than several letters of support from staff and teachers, I fail to get into UWO (University of Western Ontario). I apply late to Fanshawe College and go for some bullshit general arts degree (film major) because I have no idea what to do. - Over the summer, I drift away from all but three of my highschool friends. The oldest, being one year behind me, becomes my best friend. **Fall 2006, College** - I quit my job due to stress. - I start my first relationship. **Spring 2007** - I drop out of college because my film courses take a passionless bureaucratic turn, and I realise what little creativity I have can't fluorish in that sort of environment. I reapply for a two-year Computer Systems Technician degree beginning in the fall. - I see a counsellor about four times to talk things out, and naively decide that I'm better. - Best friend introduces me to weed. We proceed to get high every few days for two months. - I get a job as a dishwasher. - We introduce my girlfriend to weed, and I introduce her to my friend. - Over a ~six-week period: They get closer. We drift apart. She spends the night at his place without me, twice. After doing buckets, I catch him kissing her when I walk back in the room. We break up a few days later and I start not hanging out with them. **Fall 2007, College Again** - I quit my job and stop going to class around the end of September. Coincidentally, Portal and TF2 are released soon after. I play these endlessly. - After my birthday (20, ugh) I fall into a long and deep depression. I start riding the bus for hours to give the impression of going to class, knowing I can't keep up the charade. I don't care because I can't handle any stress at all. - I drop out (er, withdraw) and start seeing a psychiatrist. I'm diagnosed with clinical depression. - I reconnect with my ex and friend, and make a new friend in said friend's university buddy. We smoke up a lot. - I begin my first internet relationship, and feel like I legitimately love someone for the first time. Turns out to be bullshit around March, and it really hurt me. - I begin a second e-lationship early May, when I begin my Zoloft regimen. Zoloft turns me into an emotional zombie and gives me tremors, insomnia, and anorgasmia. I stop taking Zoloft around mid-July, and my relationship fizzles out soon after. I am again hurt. - My family moves to a new house about four blocks away. - I get a new job at another grocery store, working nights. **Fall 2008** - My younger sister accuses me (well, through talking to her highschool faculty) of touching her when we were much younger. She gives my mom an ultimatum ("Either he moves out or I do!"). This is total bullshit and I feel unfairly persecuted, even after a police investigation uncovers the nothing that I actually did. Everyone except my Mom refuses to look me in the eye or talk to me, and it sends me further into my depressive spiral. - I move out with old best friend and new uni buddy into a shithole apartment. We proceed to smoke up a lot and collectively make poor financial decisions. - I am fired from my job because management thinks I'm trying to bullshit them; I got a massive debilitating flu/cold sickness that prevented me from not sleeping for 18 hours a day and not occasionally shitting myself, which lasted two weeks, and began the day after we moved into the apartment. Understandable, but god damn this sucked. - I get a new job at Quizno's. - I get fired three months later because I "did not perform adequately". The reality is that I simply didn't (or couldn't) make friends with my co-workers. I end up having to ask my mom for rent money three times over my lease. - I get a new job as a telemarketer, which eats away at my soul every day. - "Best friend" decides to spirit away to Vancouver to live/work with his mom, promising to pay his share of the rent (which never happens). Through this, our lease goes into arrears and we are evicted mid-August. I move back home into the basement. more