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IAmA Self-Hating Racist, how can I reconcile my racial identity with my bigotry?Questions. comments. advice. racist slurs.
About four years ago, I came to the conclusion that I am a self-hating racist. I am a Chinese-American, and I hate Chinese people, as well as other ethnic groups, due to the self-reinforcement of pejorative stereotypes. I often get asked how I can hate myself for being Chinese, but it really comes down me personally seeing how a large majority of the Chinese that I know, embody stereotypes. Stereotypes that I try really hard to break, but somehow end up embodying or being near individuals who embody them. How I reject my ethnicity. I hang out with more white people than Asian people, by choice not due to environment, and I try to act "white" as possible. I play bagpipes and wear a kilt even though I have no connections to Scotland, and my German is better than my Chinese. I have been in relationships with four women in my life, and only one was Chinese, and I continue to have a preference for white girls than any other. My GPA is, and has been since freshman year of high school, 3.43, which kinda breaks the whole, "asian kids are smart" BS. I listen to metal and identified myself as goth(aka kids who wear black, are weird and unpopular, and write bad poetry) in high school. I lampoon the lack of Asians in the metal scene by trying to count the number of identifiably asian people at metal concerts. (STAG-Spot The Asian Game, adapted from STD-Spot The Dyke) I allow and encourage my non-Asian friends to refer to me as "chink" or "Chinaman". This obviously works better when I'm the only asian in the group at the time. I don't have "Asian glow" when drinking. I love smoking pot(I saw it in a book with a title that was something to the effect of, 100 things White People Like) But I can't stop "being Asian" I grew up in an area with a majority Asian population at school, and almost all of my childhood friends are Chinese. All of the High Expectation Asian Father memes are relevant to some degree, either personally or to a very close friend. I go to UC Irvine, which has 52% Asian student body last time I checked. I own a rice cooker and eat rice with dinner every evening that I cook for myself. I use chopsticks to eat said dinner regardless of what is on the rice. I was forced to take piano lessons for 5 years, went to Chinese school for 5 years and didn't retain the ability to read/write. Why do I hate being Asian? I go to 99 Ranch market, only to be cut off 5 times in the parking lot by asian women in large expensive SUVs. These women and their husbands don't understand "right of way" or when to operate a turning signal. Living on campus meant there were occasional street races with asians in ricer import cars at early hours of the morning on a weeknight. I Chinese roommate totaled his car 2 months after getting it. FOBs keep sticking together in their little cliques, speaking their native language, but throw a bitch fit when something doesn't go their way because they don't understand American culture. (Anyone else see this in high school? Mostly koreans at my high school) Chinese people looking down on me for bringing white friends to a Chinese restaurant (I got dirty looks from the staff at at least two different places) My parents' friends/parents of my Asian friends getting really quiet after they found out I was dating a white girl. The way my mother talks about black people, even though one of my best friends is black. Adult figures giving my disapproving looks at my long/dyed hair. (I am male, therefore long hair is "weird") Same goes for my eyebrow and ear piercings. I have a complex hatred toward visiting China/Taiwan. They're racist to me because I'm American, I'm racist to them because they're Chinese. (racism is probably the wrong word, but I don't know how else to describe it) There are more things, and some of them aren't rational at all, but I can't stop feeling this hatred towards Asians and Asian things. At the same time, I love Asian food, and I love celebrating Lunar New Year and Mid-Autumn Moon Festival. I like watching Hong Kong Triad movies from the 80s. tl;dr I'm asian, I hate being asian, but I can't let go of cultural conditioning. Help me reconcile/ask me about/make offensive remarks at, my racial identity crisis. more