Follow related website bookmark from Reddit:
Was I Being Used?
**TLDR:** we blackout hooked up in college. Kept in fb contact. His girlfriend dumped him. We started dating 2 months later because he sent me a message on facebook and added that I was hot, and I wanted new friends so I offered to hang out, and it went from there. I worried about being a rebound. He was making moves really fast, seemed kind of desperate. First real boyfriend, thought maybe he really did like me that much that fast and I did like him and was excited. His mom was crazy so he basically didn't have a place to stay. He had no job, and barely seen his friends. He got kicked out, so I took him in. He lived with me for 8 months. He liked it much better than his grandpas house cuz I had cable and internet and my sex. His drinking bothered me, so I kicked him out. He had nowhere to stay, but friends took him in. He bawled his eyes out begging to get me back a few weeks later. I did, thinking it was just a binge cuz of his umemployment and dad having a heart attack. He had a few more drunk episodes. I made him go to AA. I introduced him to a couple of friends. I told him about a job fair and made him go. He got a job after being unemployed for 2 years after college! Drinking got worse, I told him he drank one more time that was it, he drank one more time and that was it. He told me he felt stuck anyway. Proof he was using me for a home! He doesn't fight for me back this time because he has his own apartment, a job, a couple of new friends. He made a dating profile and went on dates 2 weeks after I dumped him. He's dating a girl 2 months later, tells me he's falling for her - right after we hooked up (a full day before they made it official, and while telling me he would consider getting back together with me.) He swears to the fact that he wasn't using me, that he really did love me. I don't believe him. **QUESTIONS:** Did he use me? Did I see it all along and forced myself to ignore my thoughts because I had a boyfriend for once? Or was/am I being my paranoid self? Is it possible love could really be this messy? That he wasn't malicious, but I have a keen eye for pointing things out and turning things negative? Is this next girl a rebound? Is he using her to get over me because I dumped him? Or did he never love me in the first place and that's why he can start dating just 2 weeks after we broke up (And I don't want to date for a long long time.) Was I dumb girl that got used? You can feel free to attack me too, or point out how I'm not innocent. ---- THE LONG, LONG STORY. (I apologize. This is therapeutic to me right now.) We first met at college during a campus wide game event, and then he was hosting a party weeks later. I/we drank a little bit too much that night, and I ended up blacking out - I only have a split second memory of making out with him. My roomie at the time who came with me to the party, was wonderful enough to pull me away before anything bad could have happened. Let's just say, everyone filed out of the room when they saw us going at it, and it was just me and him in the room. She came back for me, and got me back to our dorm safe. Not that I would have regret it, more like, I would have been upset I was black out drunk. And it would have been my full first time (with a guy.) I thank her to this day. Now, I'm hideous and fat so I was mortified the next day that I embarassed him in front of all his friends and that they were all probably making fun of him for what went down that night. I was terrified of running into him on campus. It's too bad because I liked him for the second we chatted. To be fair, I thought he was gay and I'm comfortable around gay guys, but then when I saw his FB status, I was like what? He must be in the closet. (But then he got a girlfriend a couple of months after the party.) I had just never met gamer fat geeks before so I may have been judgmental. It was the last day of college for me completely, and I was moody and miserable, basically being mopey and nearly crying because college was over. As I was walking up to my parents car, there he is from across the street, and he says "hi!" to me. I forgot what I did but I don't think I came across as pleasant. Like I said, I was mopey. I sent him a message apologizing for it later. He got the girlfriend and was still at college, while I was home and starting my adult life. Like with everyone, I keep in contact via facebook through liking statuses and making comments. I don't think I did it often in his case. 2 years had passed since that encounter on my last day of college. He sent me a message, and I saw that he posted on a mutual friends wall about school since he's now a graduate and out in the real world. I honestly wasn't thinking anything of the message, and that he was just playing catch up with everyone from school. I know how horrible the real world is. I read the message and was a little bit suspicious to come across "by the way you look real good in your pics, not to be a creep." That's when I remembered his relationship status changing to single maybe not too long ago, and that he must remember our blackout. It made me wonder if maybe something could have happened if I hadn't avoided him like the plague after that party. I was at a point in my life where I was looking for new friends too. I had just gotten through a really tough year and was opening up to getting out of my comfort zone. Out mutual friend had hung out with him, or at least associated with him at a party a couple of times, and told me he's just a really sweet guy and not to read too deep into anything. I decided maybe I really do just look good in those pics and he's being friendly. I invite him to go somewhere. Usually this stuff doesn't happen - it's always just a "we should hang out!" and then nothing happens. But this was happening. I saw it as just hanging out. And yes, I had a good time. But he saw it as something more, because at the end of the night, he leaned in really quick to kiss me. It was a mess, he looked so nervous and it really kinda came across as desperate. I flinched away (think Forgetting Sarah Marshall in the car scene). We were just hanging out? This wasn't a date? There was no indication that this was a date? Who just starts sweaty speed talking and goes for a kiss out of the blue? I figured he was overcome with whatever and just wasn't very suave about it. We agreed next time could be a date. I mean, I did have a good time and I did like him. I figured why not? This is just not how I usually date. We're friends first or in a group setting and then something happens. Not "hey lets hang out, hey that was a good hang out, lets make the next one a date." I'm just use to being friends first. He told me he was falling for me a week after we made it official. He told me that he loved me 2 and a half weeks after dating. I didn't say it until months later, but honestly, it was because I was starting to feel like an asshole for keeping him waiting. But it's not my fault he said it within 2 weeks. I figured it had to do with the setting we were in, the opportunity could not be missed. I would say things were going fast. He was basically my first real boyfriend (There was a guy I dated for 2 weeks and then hooked up with a couple of times a year after we broke up) so I was excited by everything. When he said these things, I thought that was just how relationships worked. 2 months into our relationship, he said we should move in together because we're really good together. I remember a friend telling me that was way too soon, but I thought nothing of it. It wasn't going to happen of course, because he didn't have a job and I have college loans. This is where the doubts come in. When I stalked his FB, his girlfriend had just dumped him 2 months before we went on our first date. He told me had checked out a long time ago. I didn't like that, you shouldn't lead someone on like that. But I thought, ok so maybe I'm not a rebound. But then I saw that he didn't have a job, and he's been pretty much doing nothing but gaming at home. His mother was starting to lose her mind, so he was getting shipped off to his grandpa's home, without cable or internet. He barely saw his friends. Did he contact me knowing it would be easy because of our blackout? Or was there no motive at all? Did he want to date me because I really was that exciting and good looking? Or because he needed to kill time since he was miserable at home? He did hang out with a group of buddies often enough. I was always comfortable with how much they drank. Everyone would tell me how much better I was than his exgirlfriend. I thought she must have been terrible if people think quiet ol' me is great. But then... how much does he put up with? Is he one of those guys afraid to be alone and I'm better than being alone? If he dealt with her, what if he's dealing with me? Also... like I said, first real boyfriend, he wanted sex a lot. What makes a sex addiction, I don't know, but he was always always horny. If sex 3x in a row wasn't enough, he'd jack off 3x after. Could he not get anyone else? I snooped through his e-mail one time he was outside with his friends drinking. I saw one where he was telling a friend how he tried hooking up with this one girl just 2 weeks before he messaged me, and it wasn't succesful. I saw people responding to a craigslist ad he posted. A craigslist ad! Everything was making sense - how fast he made his moves on me, etc. He was desperate, and I was the first to respond huh? Would that explain why he barely texts or calls? We hung out on a Monday, and we had plans to get a hotel for a night on Friday. I didn't hear a single text or anything from him on Tu, Wed, and Thu. I wasn't texting him because I wanted him to be the first. So Friday evening his first text to me? 'How about that hotel?' I told him how gross that made me feel (because my 2 week boyfriend/later hookup became just that and it reminded me of that, but this guy was my boyfriend, it shouldn't be like that!) Used? Apparently his drinking was getting out of hand and he got kicked out of his house. I also know his mom is crazy, so I wasn't sure how true that was. I took him in. I live at home, but my mom's very cool about things, especially when it comes to saving someone from a bad home life, since we've been there. (I'm a girl with intense daddy issues.) It was great. He was going on job interviews - not as often as I'd like though. He's someone who felt accomplished sending out 7 resumes. When I was unemployed, I was sending out 100 a day! He liked his internet and computer games. I didn't pay for much, but I did help out. He got money from his dad periodically, and he did get odd jobs that lasted for 5 days here and there. But while I was at work, he was at my house enjoying cable and internet - he was away from his crazy mom, and he didn't have to be stuck at his grandfather's. I noticed his drinking habits, and I say this is where things go bad. He would drink a 40oz while watching a movie, and I told him I didn't like that. He got affected. So then he decided to drink while I was sleeping. I woke up sometimes and got upset. Then he started to drink out of a canister, so one time I decided to sniff it, and sure enough it was alcohol. One time he got really drunk that he kinda pushed me down on my bed while trying to grab something from my hand. I had fingerprint black and blue bruises from that. When he was sobered up the next day, he asked me if I did anything to taunt him. This was the beginning of the end. He kept on getting job rejections, and I started making X's on the calendar for when he drank too much, and the 3rd one I was going to kick him out back home for some time. But then his dad had a heart attack and he went on a binge. He was basically drunk from Christmas Eve on (which he spent at my house with my family.) He went to a friends house and apparently even he said that he had an issue. He was acting ridiculous when he came back to my house, like there was a whole personality change, as would happen in a binge. I didn't want to go to a NYE party with him and his friends, especially if they were all going to be drinking (I sobered up in Feb '09.) He was being really mean about me not going, I heard the things he was saying on the phone. I told him if he came back drunk, he knew what was up. Sure enough, he came back that morning drunk. 3x's and he's out. He told me he didn't care, he kissed another girl at the party anyway. His parents kicked him out one day after he got home for drinking. (I talk to his dad on fb). I sent him a text message asking him where he was going, and he said a friends house. We talked about that kiss, and he said it was a friendly peck and he said it to spite me, to see if I'd get a rise out of it. (Real mature.) He said he wasn't drinking and was trying to stop. I said if he wanted to get back together he would have to make an effort. I wasn't sure it was going to happen anyway. I was so off. But he did make an effort. Especially after the display he put on. He was coming to make a therapist appointment with me. I wanted to see what she had to say. He called me crying his eyes out saying his tires blew. His car's a shithole. He said he really wanted to make it to therapy with me (I kinda made it an ultimatum) and he didn't want to lose me. Eventually he got his tires fixed and made it to my house. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot and he really looked like he had been crying for hours. He was hugging me and crying and begging for me back, etc etc. I didn't give in then, because I didn't trust him. He left and still made an effort with texts and calls. Maybe it really was just a bad binge because he dad had a heart attack, his mom was losing his mind, he still doesn't have a job after being out of college for a year. And maybe since he did lose a ton of weight, his drinking tolerance decreased and he hasn't learned his new levels yet. Everyone's allowed a rough patch right? I've kept friends around longer who were worse than him. I was reading self help books and I stayed with friends and when I saw their crazy intense dysfunctional relationship, I knew we had something special and I was willing to give him a second chance. He told me he was home now so I went and visited and we talked. He looked defeated and his mom was still going crazy on him. I felt horrible. I took him back in not too long after. Then his car officially died. And I had just gotten my license. It made me wonder - was he trying to get me back only because he knew his friends were going to kick him out because he's been there too long? That he knew he was going to wind up back home? That he knew his car was going to shit the bed? I was nervous about giving him another chance. And that's when I came back home and he's passed out from drinking. He's been back 3 weeks and that's all it took? I got him in a stupor, packed his things, threw them all in my car, and drove 2 hours the wrong way to his grandfathers house. When he came to, he was bawling his eyes out, saying he was sorry, and he doesn't understand why he would hurt me like this. My dad was an alcoholic and he knew I wasn't going to stand for this. That whole night, I ended up getting lost as I was a new driver. He just kept on crying and telling me how much he loved me and he was so sorry and all that. It was really dramatic. I probably should have realized those were drunk tears. I was going to kick him out in the morning when he sobered up, but I just couldn't. I don't know why! He seemed really remorseful and maybe it was just a slip. Something crazy happened after that moment. If I never felt it before, I definitely did then. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe I needed to see that he truly loved me, and that little display in the car made me think that he did? I've never had someone cry over me like that before. He wasn't drinking so much after, and we went to therapy together, and things were going great. I was on a high. I blame that high for keeping him around even longer. Because a month after that incident, I come back from a concert, and he's drunk. I was worried the entire time I was at the concert that he would be drunk. I was right. I was pissed off and watched TV in the living room. I hear him get up and he comes into the living room and then he goes back into the bedroom. I hear him open up the hallway door, and I hear this noise. I imagine he's got a bottle over there and he's pouring it into the container. Nope. I walk in on him peeing all over the hallway steps. I feel hot all over. He doesn't even realize what he's doing, he goes back to bed. I feel like the grossest human being wiping up the stairs with a towel. I bet this is what my mom did for my dad plenty of times. How could she have stayed with him? Am I my mom? He didn't even seem embarassed or remorseful the next day. It's just something that happens when he drinks too much, shrug. I told him he had to go. He was on the train home to get a minivan to pack his things, but I freaked out. This time was different like all the other times because I had stupidly developed feelings for him. I was crying and I didn't want him to leave. So when he came back, I begged him to go to AA or that was it, he was going home. I was at another concert while he was AA (I told him to bring me back proof.) He seemed to takeaway from the meeting that he's not bad at all and that I shouldn't complain, that everyone else was horrible. I told him alcoholism is a progressive disease and it could get worse, he could become them! He was fine after that point. He tried to get me comfortable with him just having a beer or two at dinner, but I never liked it. We had dinner with his father later, who's been going through crazy emotions cuz of his heart attack. He basically told me he's an Adult Child of an Alcoholic like I am and that my boyfriend has it in his genes. More cause for worry. I tell him about a job fair that he should go to. He wouldn't have if it weren't for me, he never would have known about it, and I told him to give it a shot because he didn't like another one but I said maybe this one will be different. He got a job! But it was an hour away. He was going to deal with the commute. At the same time, we had befriended my cousin's boyfriend and his friend, and we were going over their house a lot. Those guys were drinkers, so mine was getting in the habit of drinking again. It wasn't too long until I woke up to him sneaking drinks while I was sleeping, or coming back drunk, or drinking if I was out doing my own thing. It's like he couldn't be alone! I was having enough at this point. Something happened to me too, when the thought of us moving out together hit me. I didn't trust our future. I wasn't sure he was going to get better. I didn't know if our relationship was worth it. I told him lies saying I couldn't afford it, but really I was just seeing if he would calm down. He didn't. I told him if I came back home from a concert and he was drunk that was it. I came back home from a concert, and he was drunk. That was it. This time, he had money for his own apartment. This time he had a couple of new friends. This time he had a job. Is this why he didn't fight for me back? We have a conversation later, and he tells me once he got the job, he felt trapped because he knew I couldn't afford moving out. I told him that is proof right there he was using me for shelter. The minute he could have his own, he was out of there! And he knew just how to do it too, with the drinking. He told me he went on a date with some girl, and that it was horrible. This was just 2 weeks after we broke up. 2 weeks! He said he thought that would make me feel better, knowing it was bad, but it didn't. It just confirmed everything I was forcing myself to ignore. He can't be alone, he'd rather be with anyone than be single. He was desperate and that's why he went after me, and he stayed because I provided him a place to stay. I got him some new friends, I got him a job, I got him clothes for that job, I did so much for him. 2 months after our break up, we're hanging out in person to catch a show, and it's fine really. We had our talk, he insists he was never using me, that he still has feelings for me, but that it wouldn't be healthy if we got back together. He told me he has a dating profile and he's been seeing a few people. 2 months?! We were dating for a year and a half and he's already going on dates? He says its because he lives alone and its lonely. That's a great reason to date someone. He still goes with the 'I felt trapped' thing, which proves he was using me, but he doesn't want to believe it. The whole 'I'd love to get back together with you but it wouldn't be healthy' is such bullshit. He doesn't care about healthy. He just wants to drink without being chastised anymore. Plus, at that point, we'd been having sex less and less because I was NOT in the mood, and knowing he's the horniest man in the world, he probably wanted more regular sex with someone. Yes, I broke up with him, but he probably helped in a passive aggressive way. (On his first relationship, he told me he cheated on his girlfriend who wouldn't accept he broke up with her, so he cheated in a way he would get caught. This was during a round of Questions we did in the first few dates. Shoulda ran then too!) Cue a week later, and he texts me way early in the morning if he could stop by since he's in the area. He needs directions. I tell him I'm sleeping. But I hear him pull up anyway. I yell at him while opening the door - and there he is with a hickey on his neck. I chew him out, calling him disgusting and gross. How can he, after being broken up for 2 months? How can he go on dates just 2 weeks after our breakup? I know I did it, but can't he see he's just going for a rebound? How desperate and pathetic a dating site is? He tries to tell me all about this girl and I'm pissed off. He said he was going to be quick, but he wasn't. I ask him when he's going to go, but he's just sitting there. Something comes in my head, and I decide I want to mess with him. I mean, he did tell me this girl was bi, and I was in a relationship with a girl at one point too and he knows this, so I mention a 3some. Woops! He gets a boner and comes over to my bed and I'm just like nope. I keep calling him disgusting. He's poking at my boobs cuz they're hanging loose and I'm just like, whatever, this is proof to me that he's not a good guy. If I was dating someone and he went to his exes house and was poking her boobs? Id be pissed. I think I wanted to see just how far this could go... to prove to me that he's using this next girl for a rebound, to prove to me that he's not over me, and I wanted him to feel bad about himself. So I allowed him to make the moves and it happened. You know, there was this moment when I caught his eyes and it looked like he was thinking "fuck, what did I do?" Good, I did my job. I hope it eats him alive when he's with her. And it confirmed in my head that I broke up for a reason, I knew he was capable of cheating if it ever came down to it. When we finished, I asked him how he would feel if the girl he was seeing and obviously had sex with would feel if she was sleeping with her ex right now? The next day on Facebook, they're officially a couple. No more than 24 hours after sleeping with me. The poor girl doesn't know, I bet. I see on FB he's already adding her friends because he's a friend moocher. This is why he's with her - for the sex and so he can mooch off her friends in the new area he lives because he can't be alone for a second. He's probably drinking all the time now because he can, so I'm sure she'll get sick of the drunk sex he's making up for never having with me. He doesn't e-mail me, he doesn't call me, he doesn't text me, he doesn't do anything on my fb. I basically don't exist to him anymore. I stopped going out of my way to get in contact with him and I bet it will be forever until I hear from him again. He has no need for me anymore. He didn't love me - he needed me - and when he didn't need me anymore, he was out the picture. I don't feel bad because I know he's using this girl for a rebound, and he's going to mooch off of her life and friends since he can't do anything on his own. I know I probably sound like I deserved all of this "well why didn't you just leave if you felt like that for much of the relationship?" But I do have to defend myself and him. I've always been pessimistic and anxious. He was optimistic and happy. I was working through stuff and I didn't want to believe anything I was thinking, especially because he was always so kind and sweet. We worked together so well (but now I wonder if he just chameleons the girls hes with) and he was so patient and understanding. Most of the guys I've ever come across were assholes, especially the 2 week boyfriend who dumped me pertty much after getting exactly what he wanted (and yeah, I stupidly gave in time and time again a year later because oooh I was getting a boys attention even if I didn't like him! I'm a different person now, thanks to therapy.) My family loved him, my friends loved him, even my therapist loved him. He was a really good guy. He cleaned my room and cooked me dinner all those times he was unemployed, he drove me everywhere because he was the one with a car and license, so that was basically his rent to me. He always helped me to the positive side in everything even if I was a horrible debbie downer. He tried to help me get over my social anxiety. He was supportive and encouraging. Even as a drunk, besides a couple of bad incidents, he wasn't bad. He would just pass out. I was use to drunks being complete assholes, but he wasn't. I felt really lucky to have him. But honestly, my entire opinion of him has changed simply because he started dating 2 weeks after we broke up and is already in a relationship with another girl in 2 months. He's already 'falling' for her by their 3rd date, and he's already adding her friends on fb. It really makes me feel like he used me because he can't be alone, he's crazy about sex, and at the time he got with me, he was much fatter, he didn't have a job, his mom was going crazy so he basically didn't have a home... and the minute he got that job, things changed. If it weren't for that job, I have a feeling if I broke up with him, he'd be bawling all over again trying to get me back. I feel used. I promise you guys, nothing like this will ever happen again. I am in a much much much better place than I was when I first met him. I have progressively been getting better. I will be more choosey in the future. If any guy comes across as desperate or they're moving too fast or they're the type to say "I love you" within a 2 months... I'm out of there. No more, "why not?" I have to keep my future in check. And I certainly don't want to be the kind of girl that's only worthy if you're desperate or need something, and I don't want to be taken advantage of because of my Helper personality anymore. more