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DEAR REDDIT COMMUNITY... I HAVE SEEN LOTS OF POST SEEKING ADVISE AND FEED BACK, I AM DESPERATE.... IAMA STRUGGLING EX-CONVICT IN NEED OF YOUR ADVISE. ITS GETTING HARD TO.....
Hey world my name is Charlie. For 11 years I was known as chuck. I served 11years in the Florida prison system. I was 2 days past my 23rd birthday when I went in and I was 34 when I was released. I have been out since September 1st 2006. I have had lots of ups and downs since my release. I've worked a lot of different jobs since my release. I worked on a vineyard, I pumped and cleaned portable toilets, I owned my own septic business for a little while which I lost from my lack of real world business experience and partnering with the wrong people, I worked in a dentist office making dentures and partials, a trade that I learned in prison, I have worked several warehouse jobs, I now am stuck working in the moving business. I started going to church from the time I got released and have been at the same church for almost 4 1/2 years. I got married and am now separated with lots of other problems attached to this which I care not to write about at this time. My father committed suicide in front of me when I was 13 and having no father figure or role models I turned to the streets where I learned all the wrong things that contributed to me spending over half of my life incarcerated. I take full responsibility for my actions I am not writing this to whine that all my problems are someone else's fault I guess I am writing this to attempt to learn from people who may have had similar experiences or maybe not maybe there are people that can simply help me through their own life experiences. I am very smart in lots of ways. I have been told that I am too smart for my own good; I have read that prison produces some of the deepest thinkers and I believe this for I have spent over 6 years in solitary confinement. The longest day for day stint was 2 1/2 years. Solitary confinement can drive some people crazy, and I did experience a level of madness that I never want to experience again, on the other side of the madness I came to know who God is. I studied the bible along with a lot of other subjects. I am very well read; I earned a certificate in blue print reader and drafting, I have 600 hours training in c.a.d. I never completed that due to budget cuts in the prison system which led to all of the vocational and educational programs being discontinued. I learned to make dentures and partials; I earned a certificate in wellness and fitness training. I have run sports tickets, I learned to tattoo which I did for 9 years in prison, I did tattoos once released for money when I was in between jobs. I have been in 6 car accidents since my release; which led me to a nasty addiction to pain killers due to the car wrecks I was in, which then led me to a short addiction to heroin, I slid in to dealing for a while but now struggle to survive as a mover which I know I cannot do long for the abuse I have put my body through over the years of living the gangster lifestyle. When I was younger and while in prison I fought for money I have broken most of my knuckles, my hip, my ass bone, my arm and have had several back injuries. I use to pride myself on being a health nut and I still consider myself to be in good shape but I am realistic in knowing that I have limits and moving furniture for a living is not something I can do for long. I am very entrepreneurial by nature I have been hustling just about everything I can to make a buck. Here lately I have fallen into a bout of depression and have been fighting suicidal thoughts that have been plaguing me more than I care to admit. The falling apart of my marriage which I take full responsibility for is weighing me down along with feeling as though I have nothing to show for my 38 years. I can't seem to get a grip in this free world seems like every time I set out to do something I start out great and then it all turns to crap on me. Even while serving time I never felt like such a failure. I have come to understand the true meaning to being institutionalized. I never believed in this diagnoses until I found myself missing the structure of prison, not to mention I have noticed that the way prison has shaped how I react to things and people. I have been told that I am honest to a fault and that I speak my mind too bluntly. There are other symptoms which allow me to be honest with myself that I am institutionalized. A lot of people are amazed that I have been free this long for the recidivism rate for people with my history is high. I read a blog on here posted by a pedophile seeking advice on how not to molest children or to not act on his lust, desires and fantasies. (I am not a sex offender I went to prison for a non-violent burglary) This is where I got the idea to write this blog. I am not writing this to whine about life shitting on me for I made the decisions which put me where I am today, it took me a while to accept that my past actions have lifelong consequences and I have been rejected due to my record, it sucks at times to be turned down for a job for something that happened over 15 yrs. ago but it is what it is. I know I have issues in dealing with this struggle but I also know that there?s a chance that I may hear from someone that can change my life. I am trying to be totally honest and open I will answer any and all questions and any and all advice would be very much appreciated. I have been told more than once that I should write a book about my life but don't know if people would be interested in my life. I am trying to make it from day to day without allowing the dark thoughts of suicide to take root and trying to stay out of the gangster life style which is a struggle in and of itself for many reasons. Discouragement is a hard thing to deal with and sometimes I feel like the only people who can feel me are other gangsters. I guess I am pleading for help. At times I feel like an alien in my own church where I once felt a part of now I feel like I am not wanted. I will go for now in hopes of starting a dialog with people who may have an interest in my story. There is much more to me that I will go into more detail if anyone cares to hear. Thank you for your time in reading this. Sincerely, Charlie. more