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My attempt at the worst piece of fiction ever, using some of the most ridiculous lines I have ever heard/created.
Chapter 1 ?The ship glided through the waves like wood through water?? ?Theobold Squithers The night was moist, like a big wet water soaked sponge. ?DAMN! The night is moist,? I said to Randall and Julie, a man and a woman who stood with me in the moistness of the night. ?Sure is, Jack,? countered Julie. *Jack, hmmm, my name?s Jack,* I thought, with a wry secret grin, dry as rye bread. I brushed my thick hair from my eyes, mopping sweat from my balding forehead, trying not to think about Julie?s breasts. Julie was a woman, a woman?s woman, in the way a man can be a man?s man, not lesbian, but a prime example of the epitome of the height of femininity, better than a prime cut of meat. My brain flopped spastically like Julius Caesar, in an epileptic fit of thought, as I thought how I could get Julie and her breasts into the sack, and onto mine. *No!,* I whispered softly in my mind?s ear, *it wouldn?t be professional?besides, what would Randall think?* Randall, he was a good cop, but he thought too much, thought too much about Julie. *Never trust a cop who thinks too much,* I thought. Randall could never have gotten Julie in the sack, his tits were as droopy and befurred as hers were supple and comely. His stature was short, and he smelled like a faggot. Randall had eyes that were black, as if he had permanent black eyes. Julie?s eyes were also black, coal black, but they were eyes shining with a lustful luster as she stood in the darkness of the black night that shared its color with the color of her jet black eyes, like pools of sable ebony. God how I thought about those eyes?that mouth, a soft red color, with traces of pink; a mouth like a salmon. She had hair worthy of being cut in a salon, immaculate. Her cheekbones were shapely, like her body. Everything about her was shapely and comely. *Comely,* I pondered, *yeah, that?s a good word.* Julie was the sveltest of the svelte; I couldn?t stop thinking of her elegant beauty. Randall, *that fat fuck, fuck him. He can go home and fuck and fap his fatass to death for all I care?simple bitch.* Randall looked at me right then with a look in his blackened eyes, as if he could read my thought; I felt uneasy for a moment, but unclenched my bowels when I remembered Randall wasn?t certified in ESP. The year was 2021, and by then humans had evolved the ability to read other minds, a task I thought would be too difficult, but mostly, too distracting?the thought of knowing Julie?s every wet and no-doubt passionate and lascivious thoughts towards me gave me torrid thoughts of lubricious desire. No way I could keep focused on the job dealing with that distraction, even thinking about it swiftly began to engorge my penis with blood like a balloon swollen with blood, filling the dilated veins and capillaries, which was huge, too huge to go unnoticed by Julie, standing there coolly pretending like she wasn?t desperately horny. She never showed any hint of her desire for me, but I had gathered plenty of tell-tale signs and clues over the three years I had worked with her as a partner since I transferred from the SCPB. She totally wanted me; I could see her saying it with her lips every time she spoke. The wind was blowing from the east, westward, like the sun, only blowing instead of shining. If it had been shining that would have made the umber tones of the night more welcoming to the vision, and perhaps I could have seen the road better as I drove surreptitiously in my quiet street-legal drag racer: a 1964 Ford Thunderbolt with 427 V8 in a lightened midsize Ford Fairlane body. I was the only detective on the force with anything from before the war. I took a cursory glance at Julie out of the corner of my right eye?she looked almost angelic in her standard issue uniform, the entirety of her trunk bare and glistening with sweat, the Teflon chest support cradling her breasts, hoisting them upwards with the cocksure manner of a man pulling up his breeches after a hot fresh dump. Her belt hung low enough on her waste I could just almost make out a tuft of muff fluff peaking out like an inquisitive groundhog on Groundhog?s Day?*best not think about that Jack*, I told myself, *all the groundhogs died during the war, along with the sheep and owls and goats and frogs, almost everything but the damn spiders. Fuck spiders.* I patted the laser tube at my side, touching it with the tips of my fingers, just like I wanted to touch Julies bared thighs?she had on her long running shorts instead of the lady-cop anti-rape bikini tonight. I could barely see the exposed curve of her curvaceous buttocks as she got out the car?I had stopped the car. ?Look!? ejaculated Julie excitedly, ?Blood!? Randall dragged his fat fuckin? piece of dog shit ass out of the back seat, wheezing all the while as he surveyed the blood Julie had found. ?Yup, that?s blood alright,? he shat the words out of his piehole like some evil sentient tumor sent from space to kill Spiderman. *Damn you Jack, best not to think about Spiderman*?all the Spidermen had died during the war. Only the spiders remained. *Seriously, fuck spiders.* ?Yeah,? I said, surveying the blood, ?it?s definitely blood.? I was proud of Julie for finding it?she was hot, but not stupid. The blood festered on the pavement resembling a Rorschach ink-blot test, invented in 1921 by Hermann Rorschach. ?Pfft? ? I recognized the silent but deadly whisper of a silenced SUG G3 660 rifle with a 800mm barrel and a 300mm twisting rate. The sound was hard for the untrained ear to recognize, silent as a whisper, but my ears had been trained by years of experience around weapons, especially silenced weapons. I thought back on my days in the Society and Culture Preservation Bureau as an enforcer?ghetto assassins we were called. *Heh, things never change do they?* I thought. *No matter,* mused I, *only a few more years, then I?m off to the moon, Ft. Gingrich, and a nice easy desk job.* ?Get down????????..behind the car!? I cried, thinking quickly. I?ve always like to think it?s what makes me a natural leader. ?Pfft,? the SUG 800 fired again. ?That a SUG 800?? Randall asked, a querulous look on his face, most likely with a foul and freshly stewed mess of fear grease in his knickers. ?Yeah,? I said coolly, ?it?s an SIG.? Ignorant buffoon, only an oafish fool would have to ask. Fuck Randall. I hoped the next one would clip him. ?Cover me, I?m going in!? squealed Julie with girlish bravado as she vaulted over my sweet-ass ride and ran towards the gunfire with that graceful gazelle?s lope of hers that tickled my fancy so much. *I?d like to tickle her fancy.* Her bare legs were taut and toned, like large, powerful and muscular arms. ?Julie, no! You?ll get yourself killed!? I hallooed after her. *That contumacious cunt,* I cursed inwardly to my shrieking tissues and fluids. Then again, I couldn?t blame her?she was always trying to impress me. ?Shouldn?t we stick with her Jack?? Randall quivered, sweating like a craven pussy bitch. ?You heard what she said Randall! Christ! We gotta stay here and cover her, or do you wanna go out there and get shot at bub? You wanna go runnin? out into that kind of gunfire?? I queried laconically?at least one guy (who was me) could keep cool and nonplussed in this situation. Suddenly Randall grabbed me with a greasy sausage-like talon and jerked my vision off of holster and into the dark night. ?Look, there they are!? Julie was firing her bullets out of her gun rapidly, like bees leaving a hive very quickly in a straight line. I whipped out my gun and masterfully squeezed a few shots out the barrel at the fugitives we had been looking for?I licked my *own* lips in anticipation of the kill. ?Randall, cover me, I gotta get my nock?s out the car!? I got in the car, searching for the binoculars. Several more silent pfft?s rent the night air like a ghost?s fart. Suddenly I heard Randall cry out, his voice like a cry. ?Jack, look!? Turning, I mentally digested all of what I was about to find out heartbreakingly. Julie was down, all I could see was a lumpy patch of grey where she had last been running. Vaguely across the generic stretch of space in which we were shooting, I could espy shadows running off like silhouettes. I ran to where Julie lay, or rather, what was left of her. ?How did this happen?! She was wearing her Teflon Chest guard, she should have been safe! Why Randall, why why why???????????why? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!? I asked him, enraged and vexed, which means angrily confused. ?All I know is,? said Randall, shaking his freakishly small head sadly, pantomiming an emotion other than fear or hornyness or bitchery as if he were a real man, ?that the only round coulda done this to her would have to be? he gulped, like a bitch in a cartoon, ?Mormon made.? *Blast! The fucking Mormons! They were supposed to have gone extinct, you know, during the war. What could this mean?* I was thinking this all quietly to myself so Randall couldn?t hear?he was too dim-witted to understand, standing there with a ponderous look that was unbe*coming on his face*. Julie had exploded, and I had a mystery, and pieces of her brains, on my hands. The blood mocked me like an insouciant sauce, heedless of my sorrow. The night was moist?with blood. more